She is a Libran like me as we are twins. We are therefore guilty of, or succumb to the same tendencies which can be, at times strengths and at other times weaknesses.

One of the strengths is the ability to read others quickly and stay centred when dealing with competing needs and drivers. Cate is brilliant at this. Ever since she was little she’s been able to pour smooth balm over troubled waters. Or is it smooth water over troubles, or trouble over water,  either way it banks up well.  She used to have to do it to live  in peace – something she craved deeply; she now does it for a living and is putting money in the bank.

In many instances what she does is to help people communicate better: about what is going wrong, what needs to happen to make it better and what steps they need to take to get there.

Recently she helped a young 14 year old woman and her mum find a way forward out of an impasse of confusion, frustration and despair. And they did so together with respect. The end result was that both of them turned their life around.

The real trick is:

• Find out what’s driving the conflict – the things underneath what people say they want and then
• Peel back the covering layers to get to the heart of it – the needs, concerns desires and fears associated with the problematic conflict

What happpens is that people are then able see the problem that they face is a problem that they share. For it holds the same need, the same concern and the same inherent desire. To get resolution instead of fighting they find they’re working together to the same end. To point out what it is sitting right before someone’s eyes. People are often too close to the problem to see not only what’s going one, but also how to move forward.

I’ve been holidaying with her and her family and have had the great fortune to drop back into our twin world of shared insights, dreams, aims, ambitions, desires, fears and blindspots. As a gesture of praise to this mediating skill- I’ve painted 3 canvases that will sit on her office reception wall. The canvases are a triptych of her company logo. It is also a representation of the three phases a person may undergo in a mediation process:

• acknowledging the painful wound and combative situation you’re in which is grinding you to a halt
• moving through the shit-stirring and clarification of what you want – which can be  messy and painful but is absolutely necessary
• finding your own resilience and courage will result in clarity and a way forward. This is the “aha” I can see what you want and what I want and I can see that we can both win and I want that for you as well.

I’m glad Cate likes the painting. She’s always been my greatest cheer squad, and accepts that the gesture is as valuable as the pictorial output. I am arguably her greatest cheer squad too, for I deeeply respect her clarity of thought, generosity of spirit and skill of communication.

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I don’t mean the often discussed “work-life balance”. I mean the situation when the behaviours that are appropriate in the personal sphere are mindlessly and expectantly transported into the work arena where they just don’t fit.

We make friends at work because we spend the greatest amount of time there, but we often can’t maintain friendships through a work environment because of different “agendas” and motivations.

We also can’t expect to have friends with people at work unless the organisational status is in the same stratosphere. Someone gets ahead in the company because they are more skilled, more ambitious or perhaps because they knew how to source the support they needed.

Likewise that support team, often sourced from their “friends” complied with their choices for progress – many times because the supporter got to “piggy-back” on that relationship. This translates to a favour here and there – a chance for promotion or an opportunity that may or may not have been given to another. For the supporter – it’s an investment strategy, for the progressive one – it’s payment- in-kind.

The thing we can’t maintain, however, in this finely tuned exchange of energy, is the illusion of friendship. Personal comments and opinions are affected, the level of consistency and care varies, the quid-pro-quo invariably gets short of quo.

All of a sudden there’s an “ask” but no “reply”. There’s a “demand” but no “supply”, the relationship has changed. And someone feels hurt. It’s at this point that it gets messy.

Because we don’t grow at the same rate, and we don’t want the same things, the demander gets out of cycle with the supplier. He or she still moves on their projectile to their goal. The problem is, the supplier has changed their destination and they’re not on the same route. Because their job isn’t as all-consuming or singular, they’ve diversified. They’ve got more time for personal activities and pursuits and they’re not available, on-tap to supply the demander anymore.

This might come in the form of an overt disagreement or objection, or a failure to support the new direction. When they are now held to account for their objectionable response – the supplier is resentful, “If you didn’t want the answer, they intone, why did you ask the question?”

On the other hand, the demander who has often fed off the supplier for ideas, for support, for motivation, for encouragement is now also resentful. Instead of sourcing that support internally from a base of self-efficacy – they out-sourced it – making a quicker, more economical perhaps less mind-ful choice. But when that source dries up, the demander is at a loss, and resorts to the time-worn script and illusion of “friendship”. And things get “personal”.

“Personal” for a demander, however, comes with all the organisational sway at their command. Opportunities, requests, outcomes – the ball has always been in their court because they call the organisational shots. So what’s the answer?

Grow up.

We only have control over our choices and our relationships. We need to be clear on every choice we make and every relationship we invest in. If our investment strategy changes – we should be clear on that. And if we don’t seek favours or opportunities unless we’ve rightfully earned them, then we can rest easy.

We choose, for ourselves, what we want to personally achieve. At some stage, every supplier and every demander will get a wake-up call. Perhaps they’ve not been  mind-ful  Perhaps mistaking organisational behaviour for personal friendship they’ve misinterpreted relationships and been hurt or frustrated that the old modus operandi doesn’t fit. Perhaps a new player in the relationship has tilted the balance.

If we’re grown-ups we will behave in each sphere with appropriate behaviour with no need for manipulation or guilt or carrot and stick, or disguised favours. And then, perhaps we can all be honest with ourselves. And if we are honest there’ll be no need for tedious, predictable office politics that permeates every level of every organisation like some B grade Hollywood series.

If we can be honest – and support each other in a proper and equal way – each to their own, for their own, on their own – we might all get to grow up through our working life – as we expect to do in our personal one.

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I agreed to talk at a conference about organisational change communications. As last speaker of day one, I became increasingly more nervous as the day wore on. I compared myself (unfavourably of course) to every speaker who went before me. These were General Managers, Goverment CEOs, Directors and Managers. These were national and international organisations of thousands of staff, with publics in the tens of thousands.  Way out of my league.

What had the organisers been thinking when they asked me to tell our simple story?  All day, I tweaked my narrative, adding bits, taking bits off, giving it a different angle, only to change it again once another speaker finished their glamorous and interesting story. I had nothing! And I was about to be humiliated with mass walk-outs and dismissive smirks,  I could see it happening right before my eyes.

With no alternative but to push ahead, I settled on a simple story from the heart, a few humorous annecdotes and some well-timed self-deprecating insights. I got through the talk, dry-mouth and all. Why I even made them laugh. So I guess it worked. People told me (as they always do when queuing up behind you at the drinks counter) that they enjoyed it. And that it was the sort of story people like to hear at these conferences. But even that didn’t make it better.

That night, in my room, I cried myself to sleep. Partly from stress relief, partly  because I missed Bloke as he wasn’t there to comfort me, and partly because I’d drifted so far away from my own core beliefs and values that I felt a fraud.  But what message  would have helped me sleep soundly that night; and what would make me proud of using my gifts and talents to reach out to people again.

The Saturday before this conference I was getting my hair cut and coloured. And in the seat beside me was a woman whose 5 year old daughter was playing at her feet. For over an hour, this child amused herself with curlers and whetever other salon paraphenalia appealed. I watched with delight this creative, engaging, resilient, funny, affectionate, never-clingy, never-demanding, great kid.

I commented to the mother how impressed I was. The child’s “in your face” style reminded me of someone, and as I watched her it took sometime for me to realise that she reminded me of myself at that age. Like this child, I was always going up to strangers, talking to them, even sitting on their lap on the bus. It was a family joke, that I had no fear barometer and was too friendly for my own good.

As the similarities occured to me, in my mind’s eye, I fast-tracked this child’s life and informed the mother that she had “an actress on her hands.”, the mother laughingly agreed, and as if, on cue, the strangest thing then happened.

This child of 5 looked at me and asked if the baby in my tummy was ready to be born. I laughed and told her that there was no baby there – just fat. I looked down expecting to see the tell-tale roll of fat on show, but realised I was wrapped up in a salon tent-like sheath, covering me from neck to mid-calf. Without a pause, the child climbed under my hairdresser’s shroud, to curl up on my lap where she began to loudly whimper like a baby. With no other alternative - and in shock I guess- I patted this tiny form and coaxed a psychodramatic birthing. And with the precision timing that comes with a short term memory, a minute later this baby-child slid out from under the sheath, to land right at my feet. 

I laughed at the time, and assured the nervous mother that it was all good fun, as it had been. But it’s only now, a week later, and following the insights I’d gleaned from the conference presentations, I realise this little guru had come with a message.

What landscape had I traversed since being 5 years old and how much had I forgotten of my true nature? Was it time to give birth to some reincarnated creativity? Re-kindle the first principles of my courageous nature. Could I remember the fun and drama of being 5? Would that be my message – to grab at those precious moments when they come and say yes! Now I’m not suggesting we sit on strangers’ laps to be born again in front of them, but for me, I needed just that.

I needed to remember the world is a comforting place not a frightening one.  And the baby inside of me, that child who survived the most awful event of all, a mother’s death, can survive all sorts of mini-deaths and changes life produces. In front of an audience or not. It’s actually not about me, but about the messages I’ve learnt on the way.

‘So if we find our feet on firm or shaky ground, we just need to get out of the way . Only then will stuff start to happen. And despite us, people will hear the message they’re meant to hear and meet the teachers they’re meant to meet.

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I like to think of my friend, James being at the pointy end of communication. He uses new media to sharpen and re-work old practices.

For instance we have the age old practice of needing to inform others of something newsy. But our audience is either  chasing a clock or moving around so much we can’t reach them. We get our information “on the run”.  There’s nothing new here, but James has been mulling over the idea of using new media in a sustainable way within corporations - enabling them to run it for themselves. Visionary and nurturing. It makes good business sense as well.

My friend Martha is at the  educating end of communication, perhaps even the “warm and fuzzy” end. As an entrepreneur, she works for herself. Her services utilise programming techniques like Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), hypnosis, time-line therapy, huna, engagement skills, selling skills and stories to help others remove barriers and limiting beliefs to get them out of bad habits. In this way she helps them improve their performance across all facets of their life. And to be free of the need for trainers and coaches like herself.  Nurturing and visionary.

Last friday we bought the two together and made a series of podcasts at James’ fabulous network studio. And voila the first of a series of great talks is avaliable on his Lifestyle PodNetwork. The podcast is called Making Work Work. Its core message is to enable people to get over the barriers they put up, and reach their true potential. By putting these two people together, James got to push Martha’s message out to more people in a new way.

Who yet knows who will listen to this new podcast? Who will subscribe to  Making Work Work? Is it a niche market of  trainers? HR Specialists? Or is it a technical savant checking out the latest podcast products? Or is it the person, chasing the clock, driving home listening in their car and questioning why they even went to work at all – given the nightmare day they’ve had! Whoever it is,  they get to hear some profound and helpful messages in a digestable time savvy way. 

I love to work with James. I rush in and he waits. I keep hitting my head against a brick wall, because people aren’t ready, are too scared, don’t understand, or it’s a lousy idea…. whatever. On the other hand, James prefers to envision a project from start to finish  even before he takes the first step. When he steps though, it is fast, and appears to the outsider, in this case, Martha, as seemingly effortless.

By now I’m quite used to how he works. It’s as if he gestates ideas,  Sometimes there’s no sign of movement,  as if in his Leo-nine way, he’s lying asleep in the sun,  with only a flicking tail,  waving away the flies who buzz:  ”is it ready?” “What do you think”, ”should we do it now”, ”can you fix this here” “can you do that over there” What about a blog for the boss?”, ”what about a new website to fix communication”, ”what about…..”.

He stays quite still, non-reactive, thoughtful. Nothing for a while, then springing into action, he lifts off with a comprehensive leap right across the program: to link this to that, put that over there, move that piece under there to shift this one over here. And it works, because it’s been mulled over, chewed over, sat with and envisioned. If you ignore the flies, you save your energy and secure the entire carcass with one big bite!

That’s why when Martha arrived at 9.30 in the morning and left at 4.30 that afternoon, with no idea of what a podcast was, let alone what she’d say, and how it was done, we were able to record 5 engaging, interesting and believable shows with cogent messages, branded, posted and live by the start of the next day. Inspiring, easy and fun.

I am looking forward to the new communication podcast, he and I will be recording each Friday. It’s linked to our Working with Sparkle blog. We are meeting together at the end of each week to discuss the week at work – what we did, how we did it and whether it worked. A sort of a week wrap. I’ll probably buzz like I always do, and he’ll probably ruminate like he always does.  By looking at the week just gone, we’ll keep it  anchored to stuff that resonates with other practitioners. We’ll keep it real. 

A sort of magical reality, though.

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My fabulous friend James has patiently spent three separate sessions sorting out my ADSL broadband connection. Taking that long, because he had to systematically diagnose which bits of which puzzle didn’t work with which bits of which other puzzle.

The process was exhausting but rewarding. Whilst I kept him plied with gin, all I could do was marvel at his resilience and systematic discipline.

And the best part is that I am now on the net! Or as my friend Sparkles would call it, the interweb.

James and I have another blog called Working with Sparkle.  The postings are about communication processes, systems, tricks of the trade, provocative ideas and war stories.  We do it by blogging, simply because it’s the way we both think well. We think with a tale. Not a fairy tale. Nor a dog-wagging tail. Just a tale.

The idea of running a concurrent blog came about whilst James was conducting his diagnostic process to connect me to the net. As I listened to him tell the annoyingly calm trouble shooter from Internode, that yes he had tried all the things he was now being asked to do again,  I had an epiphany. A blinding moment of insight. A bright blue moment of connecting thoughts, slap dang in the middle of our removing one ethernet cable to replace it with another wired router cable in some other portal of blah blah blah.

At that stage, Sparkles just wanted a hammer.

Who is Sparkles? And what’s he got to do with connections?

Sparkles  made an appearance on the flight from Armidale to Sydney. James and I work together and we were returning from an excruciatingly long working weekend. The weekend had been full of repeatable – how many times do I have to tell you -messaging; impossible sales pitches and endless doubt on the part of what was starting to resemble an entire army of website users.  Mind you this is typical for the sort of marketing we’ve been forced to do.

So there we were, on the plane. Exhausted. We watched a perfectly lovely steward demonstrate the bells and whistles attached to his yellow life-saving vest. You’ll recall that mind-numbing moment (for them) when they put on that yellow vest for the 50,000th time, and pull on one tag, whilst blowing on one other whistle, whilst juggling one further rope.

And in a flash of creativity, James envisioned a congo line of 30 such stewards, given bells, whistles, perhaps a feather or two, a sparkle and tiny touch of bling, to ensure they had no trouble getting attention. He quietly whispered just one word to me – Sparkle. Where the vision came from, we’re not sure, but it was an insane moment which made us both explode with laughter – and gave us a fabulous metaphor for our communication work. If you want to get attention – work with sparkle.

My own communication tenet has always been about engaging others to make the outcomes stick and last. Often my work is a bit left of field, shaking them up, making grownups paint with colour to make the unlikely connection between their company’s goals and the encroaching environments of change. I’m a firm believer that it is no good me being a hero or a legend, if it all falls apart the moment I’ve gone.

My partner in crime, James follows an equally empassioned truth – the art of diagnosis. His is a more incisive, more challenging art, because it pares back the situation in order to make the correct and systematic reading of a problem. When done correctly, this makes the solution all the easier to find and match and the subsquent roll-out more factual and enduring.

So working with sparkle is just that: a bit of dash to get us started, a few bells and whistles to get attention, but in the end an adjustment to systems, metaphoric routers and cables, and above all blissful sustainable connection to the whole wide world of possibilities.  

Thank you James – this blog is for you.

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