Hit the wall this week.

An $84 parking ticket from last night’s scramble to get a spot. Annoying, because I just didn’t read the sign properly.

This TESOL journey has certainly pitched me out of my normal routine. I’m developing my own brand of sea-legs. No flippers or fins yet, but this rocking and rolling certainly’aint from the sixties- it’s a whole new dance routine.

I can’t see clearly anymore. I don’t know where it will lead me and if it will lead anywhere.

I don’t expect to see the future as the present is where we’re at. But it’s a balancing act to maintain equilibrium and to keep my normal (increasinly busy) job balanced with these additional demands.

I have a foot in each camp and I feel an increasing chasm open beneath me. The chasm, aka “unknown” is my only certainty:

• Unknown environment = expensive mistakes
• Unknown content = no more free weekends
• Unknown future=need for flippers
• Unknown capabilities=fun
• Unknown contacts=15 new ones and counting
• Unknown adventures=a love of the open sea

Wouldn’t mind a compass though.

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 I observed a class today back near my old alma mater. Years of trying to find a park, worrying about late assignments, studying lines for the next play and fantasising about the cute boy in my drama class,  came flooding back.

Earlier that day, I had listened to an interview on radio with Daniel Hope, the violinist who played at the funeral of Yehudi Menuhin and who knew he would play the violin when he was just 4 years old.  In my observation class we learnt about a dancer, Steven McCrae who likewise envisaged a clear artistic path from a young age. That night I dreamt about Cate Blanchett and our local theatre. The whole day yesterday was populated by artists.

Several days earlier, my sister had pointed out I was using overtly negative language about my future and was, she suggested, not enabling the positive artistic future I yearned. She was right. If we keep focusing on the old, or saying No to the things we don’t want, we stay fixated on the old situation – we’re facing in the wrong direction and can’t see the new.

So in TESOL speak the plan for this micro life – lesson goes as follows:

Student Level: Pre adult.

Context and target language: Balance the good and bad bits of the past just enough to positively alter the direction of my  work and life

Form and Function: Give myself time to understand how care, optimism,  a sense of exploration and playing to my strengths will enable change.

Resources: Realia and memories, childhood dreams, stolen time and bold brave micro teachers.

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 We’re moving to the beat alright.

Our united band of beatnik learners struggled wearily into the night this week in order to master

•           Tonic stress
•           Rising and falling inflection
•           Cigarette–sausage- bananas emphatically described words and
•           Altering meaning through emphatic stress.

Who’d have thought promising to buy roses for imaginary partner would give us all such para-linguistic joy!  S’s  discovery that para-linguistics meant everything other than the actual language - was a great relief to all. Do P’s lollies count as a paralinguistic aid?

Still the beat goes on…

We stretched, squeezed and rounded our vowels. We exploded our consonants, and pushed the language right through the top of our, lime green and pretty pink heads, someone might have been wearing a red dress, I can’t recall.

And the beat went on…..

English as a stress-based language is notoriously difficult for new language learners to get “right”.   It was a relief to know the Windsor palace tone is not necessary! There’s no need to even drill the “R”. “Rrrrrreally?  sigh.. (I was looking forward to a good roll mid alphabet).

Note to self: purchase yet another Michael  Swan’s book  on some commonly occurring speech problems.  This Swan bloke is fast becoming my significant other.

Now we’re really moving to the beat…

Whilst the World Cup in South Africa takes over our mass media,  I realise I have my own world cup game each week, this week’s draw saw

• Vietnam play  Spain
• China knock  out France (with a pencil)
• Australia give into Slovakia
• America tie with Korea, and
• Italy become well-placed to win the cup.

I would change it for the world… come to think of it .. that’s exactly what we’re  trying to do..

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She is a Libran like me as we are twins. We are therefore guilty of, or succumb to the same tendencies which can be, at times strengths and at other times weaknesses.

One of the strengths is the ability to read others quickly and stay centred when dealing with competing needs and drivers. Cate is brilliant at this. Ever since she was little she’s been able to pour smooth balm over troubled waters. Or is it smooth water over troubles, or trouble over water,  either way it banks up well.  She used to have to do it to live  in peace – something she craved deeply; she now does it for a living and is putting money in the bank.

In many instances what she does is to help people communicate better: about what is going wrong, what needs to happen to make it better and what steps they need to take to get there.

Recently she helped a young 14 year old woman and her mum find a way forward out of an impasse of confusion, frustration and despair. And they did so together with respect. The end result was that both of them turned their life around.

The real trick is:

• Find out what’s driving the conflict – the things underneath what people say they want and then
• Peel back the covering layers to get to the heart of it – the needs, concerns desires and fears associated with the problematic conflict

What happpens is that people are then able see the problem that they face is a problem that they share. For it holds the same need, the same concern and the same inherent desire. To get resolution instead of fighting they find they’re working together to the same end. To point out what it is sitting right before someone’s eyes. People are often too close to the problem to see not only what’s going one, but also how to move forward.

I’ve been holidaying with her and her family and have had the great fortune to drop back into our twin world of shared insights, dreams, aims, ambitions, desires, fears and blindspots. As a gesture of praise to this mediating skill- I’ve painted 3 canvases that will sit on her office reception wall. The canvases are a triptych of her company logo. It is also a representation of the three phases a person may undergo in a mediation process:

• acknowledging the painful wound and combative situation you’re in which is grinding you to a halt
• moving through the shit-stirring and clarification of what you want – which can be  messy and painful but is absolutely necessary
• finding your own resilience and courage will result in clarity and a way forward. This is the “aha” I can see what you want and what I want and I can see that we can both win and I want that for you as well.

I’m glad Cate likes the painting. She’s always been my greatest cheer squad, and accepts that the gesture is as valuable as the pictorial output. I am arguably her greatest cheer squad too, for I deeeply respect her clarity of thought, generosity of spirit and skill of communication.

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I don’t mean the often discussed “work-life balance”. I mean the situation when the behaviours that are appropriate in the personal sphere are mindlessly and expectantly transported into the work arena where they just don’t fit.

We make friends at work because we spend the greatest amount of time there, but we often can’t maintain friendships through a work environment because of different “agendas” and motivations.

We also can’t expect to have friends with people at work unless the organisational status is in the same stratosphere. Someone gets ahead in the company because they are more skilled, more ambitious or perhaps because they knew how to source the support they needed.

Likewise that support team, often sourced from their “friends” complied with their choices for progress – many times because the supporter got to “piggy-back” on that relationship. This translates to a favour here and there – a chance for promotion or an opportunity that may or may not have been given to another. For the supporter – it’s an investment strategy, for the progressive one – it’s payment- in-kind.

The thing we can’t maintain, however, in this finely tuned exchange of energy, is the illusion of friendship. Personal comments and opinions are affected, the level of consistency and care varies, the quid-pro-quo invariably gets short of quo.

All of a sudden there’s an “ask” but no “reply”. There’s a “demand” but no “supply”, the relationship has changed. And someone feels hurt. It’s at this point that it gets messy.

Because we don’t grow at the same rate, and we don’t want the same things, the demander gets out of cycle with the supplier. He or she still moves on their projectile to their goal. The problem is, the supplier has changed their destination and they’re not on the same route. Because their job isn’t as all-consuming or singular, they’ve diversified. They’ve got more time for personal activities and pursuits and they’re not available, on-tap to supply the demander anymore.

This might come in the form of an overt disagreement or objection, or a failure to support the new direction. When they are now held to account for their objectionable response – the supplier is resentful, “If you didn’t want the answer, they intone, why did you ask the question?”

On the other hand, the demander who has often fed off the supplier for ideas, for support, for motivation, for encouragement is now also resentful. Instead of sourcing that support internally from a base of self-efficacy – they out-sourced it – making a quicker, more economical perhaps less mind-ful choice. But when that source dries up, the demander is at a loss, and resorts to the time-worn script and illusion of “friendship”. And things get “personal”.

“Personal” for a demander, however, comes with all the organisational sway at their command. Opportunities, requests, outcomes – the ball has always been in their court because they call the organisational shots. So what’s the answer?

Grow up.

We only have control over our choices and our relationships. We need to be clear on every choice we make and every relationship we invest in. If our investment strategy changes – we should be clear on that. And if we don’t seek favours or opportunities unless we’ve rightfully earned them, then we can rest easy.

We choose, for ourselves, what we want to personally achieve. At some stage, every supplier and every demander will get a wake-up call. Perhaps they’ve not been  mind-ful  Perhaps mistaking organisational behaviour for personal friendship they’ve misinterpreted relationships and been hurt or frustrated that the old modus operandi doesn’t fit. Perhaps a new player in the relationship has tilted the balance.

If we’re grown-ups we will behave in each sphere with appropriate behaviour with no need for manipulation or guilt or carrot and stick, or disguised favours. And then, perhaps we can all be honest with ourselves. And if we are honest there’ll be no need for tedious, predictable office politics that permeates every level of every organisation like some B grade Hollywood series.

If we can be honest – and support each other in a proper and equal way – each to their own, for their own, on their own – we might all get to grow up through our working life – as we expect to do in our personal one.

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I’m relieved that I made the “cut” and am one of six who have to sell themselves one over another to persuade a panel of three that they are the best for the job.

At the same time I’m preparing for the interview I’m preparing to undergo a radical elimination diet to find out what is making me feel so ”blurrrr” and “blahmk”; to fnd out what is possibly triggering an allergic reaction (to everything!)

Both are eliminations. Both are necessary and both are appropriately simultaneously occuring at the same time. mmmm but why?

Will I be chucked out at the end of the job interview as an “also-ran”, beaten to within a hair’s breadth by a charming younger woman, adept at this and that and even then some?

Will I be retained and identified as a safe food group – easy to digest, no trigger reaction, no cause for sneezes or rashes or hives. I’ll let you know in a later blog.

Today I tried to find out what the panel wanted (I mean really wanted and expected from the person filling the role). I figured that in a 30 minute interview – and I’ve had my fair share of them  – the panel are hard pressed to get through all the questions – let alone give quality time to cogitate on the answers. Of course the answers were not forthcoming.

If my memory serves me correctly, interviews like this are more an endurance under pressure test; and a test of memory, matching your verbal recall to each of the stunning successes you presented in your pulitzer prize winning application for the job.

And then at the end, when everyone wants to just run away, and you feel sure that the reason the older panelist didn’t look at you is because there’s something physically wrong with your face and hair, will there be time to pin the panel down to answering questions I want to ask; will there be time to interview them?

I think so many work choice mistakes are made by the pace of the one-sided interview, invariably with the script driven by the decision making employers.  And we, the interviewees, are often so desperate to sell ourselves, to be liked, to be chosen, we overlook the critical thinking questions that would determine whether the workplace is going to match our personal style, values and for that matter our diet.

My own elimination diet, no matter how much I withdraw from and add in to the mix, will inevitably come to the conclusion I made some time ago, that I throw back far too much wine that can be justified in a healthy life style. This gay practice of swilling and imbibing has got to do with our generation and in my case catholic background. Like my mates,  I’m practically a fermented experience all on my own.

My younger workmate told me this morning of her evening out with 2 older sisters. They,  like me, do a fair share of imbibing, and have a miriad of internal complaints to show for it. It’s sort of like a secret club, that has run out of credit in the healthy bank and have to make increasing withdrawls in the face of a wilting, drooping, decaying landscape. Yikes! I’m depressed writing about it, and I have no panacea, because – yes, you guessed it – wine is one of the first things to be eliminated!

So I’ll throw myself into both experiences with gusto. Relatively clear headed (give or take a sneeze here and there) but keen to explore and interview them about what I want from such a job, and what I can expect from a renovated internal system.  

Do you think I can have fries with that?

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They are a fit metaphor for my program of personal change. It’s a multi-step program to correlate with my great age. So far, the program includes:

• A stepping out exercise component to move the lard off my arse
• A 12-step program to move the booze out of my larder
• A quick-step program to excuse my weird fascination with the TV show, “So you think you can dance?”
• A step-up-to-the-plate program to learn more about new media
• A one-step-at-a-time program to manage my stress levels
• A Steppenwolf program to explore my cultural and philosophical bent and
• A Russian Steppes program to facilitate overseas travel.

Of course, I’m not the only one undergoing such a venture. Like many other women our age, my own sisters are taking steps of their own.

Yesterday I watched my sister, Gabby record her first podcast about positive parenting and how to set limits with love, helping parents in what is arguably the most noble of all professions – bringing up kids.

And this morning I congratulated my twin sister, Cate on getting a sweet gig, doing what she does best - mediation in the courts. 

I’m using this blog as part of my watch your step program. Just watch what happens. With the help of a  great career coach and suprisingly non-neurotic therapist,  I’m submitting my own ”matters for mention”  about and in a process of personal change.

Matters Blue and MattersYellow.

Blue matters when you’re still, stable, satisfied, safe, secure and speaking your truth. Did you know that marketers use blue if they want to build trust?

Yellow matters when you’re changing, moving, altering, striving, climbing and creating new ways of thought. Did you know that couples fight more when living in rooms with yellow walls?

So as my mult-step program evolves,  I’ll be moving between Yellow and Blue moments. Sure, I’ll want more blue moments but I know I’ll have to have an equal if not greater number of  yellow ones. 

And for the significant moments  the “oh my god, of course!! ” moments, I dare say, there’ll doubtless be a story that makes sense of it all.  A story about what drove me in the past, and a story that reveals what the future is and what role I’ll play in it. 

So all I have to do is to keep writing up and down the steps, until  I get to the top or the bottom of what really matters. 

Be sweet.

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