I observed a class today back near my old alma mater. Years of trying to find a park, worrying about late assignments, studying lines for the next play and fantasising about the cute boy in my drama class,  came flooding back.

Earlier that day, I had listened to an interview on radio with Daniel Hope, the violinist who played at the funeral of Yehudi Menuhin and who knew he would play the violin when he was just 4 years old.  In my observation class we learnt about a dancer, Steven McCrae who likewise envisaged a clear artistic path from a young age. That night I dreamt about Cate Blanchett and our local theatre. The whole day yesterday was populated by artists.

Several days earlier, my sister had pointed out I was using overtly negative language about my future and was, she suggested, not enabling the positive artistic future I yearned. She was right. If we keep focusing on the old, or saying No to the things we don’t want, we stay fixated on the old situation – we’re facing in the wrong direction and can’t see the new.

So in TESOL speak the plan for this micro life – lesson goes as follows:

Student Level: Pre adult.

Context and target language: Balance the good and bad bits of the past just enough to positively alter the direction of my  work and life

Form and Function: Give myself time to understand how care, optimism,  a sense of exploration and playing to my strengths will enable change.

Resources: Realia and memories, childhood dreams, stolen time and bold brave micro teachers.

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He is a psychologist and a spiritual advisor who coached me over eight sessions to uncover skills I already had and remember the ones that I would need on this next path.

I am changing paths. The old methods of navigating don’t work as well as they used to.  I felt frustrated with efforts to simply plug into a job description, defined by someone else. I’d outgrown the seek.com approach to happiness. It felt like a betrayal to a stronger signal, but that signal was unclear.

My approach to career and life management and its links to self-concept and self-efficacy have been heavily influenced by my late husband,  a psychologist  who specialised in the area.

I have a favourite book, “Dibs in Search of Self” by Virginia Axline. Miss A as Dibbs called his play therapist, is my ideal life coach. My expectations of a psychologist were akin to Dibbs’ – I expect clarity, empathy, intelligence, generosity, kindness, interest and respect.

“Dr A” had all of that – and gave me significant insights into my own process.

In the 1st session I learnt about metaphors. I love to talk, and A had an uncanny ability to listen, pace, raise the pitch and punctuate the conversation – not with a summary of what was said as much as an echo of intent – thereby keeping me dogged on message. He continually clarified the conversation so that I was able to drop ever deeper into the intuitive insightful part of my brain. This is psychology at its best.

In the 2nd session I learnt about the space between making decisions. When the first decision is made, and the 2nd not yet formed, there is often a no-space of waiting. That’s life.

In the 3rd session I learnt about gentleness – to myself and how change happens. I learnt about defiance.

In the 4th session I learnt about father – my own and my reproduced father roles that keep appearing. Joseph Campbell believes the search for father is the search for character and destiny – too true.

In the 5th session I learnt about vantage points. Why use language as if I was just beginning my life, when in fact I was half-way through a splendid well-lived life. It was a lesson in humility and humour.

In the 6th session I learnt about intuition towards wholeness and where play and joy comes in; I learnt I had to trust myself more and I learnt about prayer.

In the 7th session I learnt that anxiety had served me well to protect my heart and that it was ungrateful to judge it harshly now. I just need to adjust the hold it has on me.

In the last and 8th session – I learnt to view my own reflective drama and dance, and acknowledge my ability to engage and reflect the humanity of others again and again.

What a splendid teacher I had – thank you “Doctor A”, Have a great year next year and enjoy your own blessed pilgrimage.

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I’ve always had trouble but it’s getting worse. Right now I can’t  decide on the sort of work I want to do  and even more pressing, I can’t decide what to do with my bathroom.

Because the blue and yellow journey is a comprehensive one, I consider all incidents and thoughts as inter-related. If I can’t decide about my bathroom, what does that say about my life in general and most particularly, what does it say about the work I want to do?

I’m an text-book Libran, which means I get swayed by the last expert opinion I received. There is no end of experts when it comes to work and bathrooms. So, what’s a gal to do? Give into the most persuasive, because he’s had 30 years in the same bathroom business  and he simply takes the deciding over? Or go with the other guy, who seems adept and who just does what you tell him – after all you’re the boss of your own bathroom?

Do you take a job advertised in a paper or website because it’s sort of a match, and it’s like what you’ve done in the past. Or do you take a different tack altogether?  Should you determine own work-life mix, with a portfolio approach of skills and talents and abilities and place it out there in the world to see where and how it hits the mark?

So in true Libran fashion, I’ve been sitting with the problem;  actually I’ve been sitting in the problem.

I’m seeing a career coach to figure out how to change the work-life mix. What’s my value added proposition?  What can I do that others can’t?  And does anyone want what I do?  Right now, in the Public Service, there’s a  lot of not wanting what I do. But that’s cool, I’ve had a good soak. It’s like starting off in a nice hot bath but having to continually top it up the longer you stay in. The longer you stay in of course, the more wrinkled you get, and the more relaxed you become.

Because my bloke used to do be my coach and he’s no longer here, I now have to pay for those skills.  I’m OK with that because the bulk of the coaching is self-directed.  The value in seeing someone like a  coach is that you allow youreself a time and place to tackle just that topic.  You talk about wishes, dreams, ambitions and you listen for negative self-talk and limiting thoughts. 

So it’s no surprise I talk to the coach and the bathroom guys about the same stuff – I need more space. Ergo I need to get rid of the bath. 

Baths have had their day. When the dam levels were high and it was OK to lay about and relax That’s not this day. This day is a day for movement. Moving to the right space where I can do what matters to me. Moving around in more space, to change and grow and develop more skills.  This is not a day to submerge ideas and talent in a luke-warm environment,  which, if left unattended becomes soporific. This is a brand new day for doing what I do best of all with people that want what I do. This is a day for change.    

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